Don't make out with my wife yet
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
