Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I would fuck him just for his dog
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
