need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
