i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
