i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My ass is underappreciated
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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