I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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