Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
