I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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