So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
