you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
