its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
