Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
