fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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