its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
