Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
