you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
