i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
