i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm too high and old for this...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
