What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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