mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You pole danced in your parka.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
