i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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