My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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