I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
