so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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