I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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