I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
