to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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