the condom got lost in my hair
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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