Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
