Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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