so explain again why im purple
no
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
