So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
