I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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