Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
well you can't waste a boner
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
