I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
