It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
