awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
