Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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