you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
