This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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