I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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