I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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