he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What a dumb baby whore.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
