so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
