i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
