whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
