i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
