does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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