U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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