Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
